Help! I'm in the wrong life!

Yet another sleepless night.

Sometimes I think I am in the wrong life. In reality, I am in pretty good shape for a middle aged woman, still active and with a great memory. I live in a nice, clean house, nothing fancy, but nice. I even have some one who comes in once a week to help out. I'm an artist and a writer, not world known maybe, but enough to make a living, along with teaching art lessons. I have a large array of animals, and succesful breeding programs, and vet students love to intern here. Oh, and here is way out in the country, lots of water, lots of trees, lots of nature. Our house has lots of windows and light, and my studio is mostly windows. Same sweetheart, only he works at home as a writer and artist too. Sometimes we write books together. Same daughter, only healthy and happily married and settled down to a comfortable life. Or maybe single and a comfortable life. Grandkids or just grandrats and grandcats, I don't care, so long as she is happy. She is probably an artist and writer too, although her artwork is nothing like mine.

Instead, I find myself living in a decrepit single wide ancient trailer. The main culture in here is mold. I'm broke and awake at 6:14 am because I haven't slept all night. K and Moosie are on the waterbed, totally sacked out. I wish I was. I suspect raging hormones are the culpret, since I started crying for no reason. I miss my friends from high school. It's odd, because I don't miss being a kid at all, but I miss them, and I regret letting life take me away from that. And I'm too much of a coward to track them down and find out who they are now. I dream of them most nights. What would I say? How would I explain what kept me from getting in touch all these years?

I know what my life looks like from the outside. I know people think I'm an old hippie, long hair, over weight, out of shape, no make-up most of the time. Ironic, I never was a young hippie, I was busy trying to do the married with children, two cars, a house and a husband thing. I often wonder if I would have better at it if I'd married someone else. I certainly thought that is what I wanted for most of my life, even if I wasn't particularly good at it.

I hate how I live, I hate the dirt and the mold. I hate being sick all the time. I hate being broke. 98% of the time I'm happy though. I have romance, a great kid, good friends and animals. Money would cure almost all my evils, except health and that would probably be better sans mold and worry about bills. I keep thinking somehow I will make the money, and then I will have pretty much everything. It sure doesn't work the other way around. But I sure could use a little more health so I could get this place cleaned up!

Well, life happens. I miss Gary. I miss L and DJ and Miki. I don't miss that life at all though. If I had that life I wouldn't know what it was like to see Emily curl up and suck her paw. I wouldn't know I could go back to bed, shove over Moosie, wake K up and he would listen to me moan and groan and never complain. That alone is worth millions!

Maybe I'll still be an artist and writer when I grow up. Maybe I'll get that house some day, or at least a dishwasher. Maybe I will get my hormone prescription changed and get some sleep.