Blogs are such nice, neat little ego trips. Maybe no one reads them, or maybe they take on a life of their own like Planet Huff. Well, I will let my daughter know where I’ve started this. She’s a great audience and she should be, I’ve been carefully brainwashing to her be since she was born. Babies can learn to clap before they learn to walk or talk. This makes them perfect audiences. They can’t leave or critique your performance, and they are still at that age where they think every thing you do is wonderful. Hey, look, Mom can dance across the floor! I can’t do that, wow, that must be wonderful! What talent! (clap, clap clap) Maybe that’s the real reason actors have kids.
I was happily webbing around yesterday, when suddenly my internet connection died. Oh, it lied and said it was still on line, but nothing came through. We have been trying to hook up DSL, but haven’t managed it yet, still, that is no reason for my internet connection to quit in the middle of a session. I’m not that crazy about my local company, which may change after I get on DLS, since most of my gripes are connection related. However, their techies keep my signed up. They are available 24/7 (well, maybe not holidays, don’t know about that) and as far as I can figure out, all computer geniuses with the patience of saints. I call them up, explain the problem, and they cheerfully rattle off "Well, it sounds like your cable isn’t hooked into your Land port and your modem needs to be reconfigured to accept 64 ram and 400 rom…
OK, I just heard what the Peanuts characters heard when their parents talk...squawk squawk squuaawk. Isn’t a ram to do with a male sheep? Isn’t rom a character on Star Trek? So I ask the guy on the phone to speak in non-techie. Now, I have just enough computer knowledge to be dangerous, but with the change rate on computers, most of my tech language is way out of date.
So the guy on the other end smiles (yeah, I can hear him smile) and says in his best, let’s not panic voice "See the little red light on your PC?"
Me: Um, yeah?
Technoguy: Is it lit?
Me: Yep.
Technoguy: Sorry, but I had to ask. You’d be amazed at how many people call in because their computer is unplugged.
Me: Nope, made sure it was on, the monitor too. And I know the CD player isn’t a cup holder.
Technoguy: Ah, you’ve been through this before.
I nod. Even though Technoguy can’t see me, he knows I nodded, the same way I know he smiled.
Technoguy: Well, lets give it a run-down. See that long skinny black thing, with a connector on each end? That’s a cable.
Me: Oh good, I thought one of my snakes had escaped.
Technoguy: Not unless it is wiggling on it’s own. OK, now, take the end with the shiny little pins and plug it into the back of the computer where there is a socket just the same size. OK?
Me: OK, that’s done.
Technoguy: Now open your Windows…
Me: What? But it’s raining!
Technoguy: (who has heard that joke a million times but still is remaining polite, although I can tell his teeth are grinding) OK, now see that little icon that says "My Computer"? Double click on that and…
He guides me through all the steps, occasionally back tracking if something doesn’t work to try something different. Sometimes he has to go confer with the other techies. In real life, he may be rolling his eyes and cursing me under his breath, but he sounds like my problem is fascinating and new and his whole happiness depends on helping with my problem.
Technoguy: Is everything working now?
Me: Yes, thanks! But what do I do with this last cable?
Technoguy: Describe it to me.
Me: Well, it’s black with a yellow stripe down it, about as big around as a pencil and it has these little toothy things at one end. Where do I plug that in?
Technoguy: Excuse me, Ma’am? I think that’s your snake…
(Music. Lights up)
Dan: Aaand we’re back from our commercial announcement. Joe, who do we have as our next contestant?
Joe: Meet NJ Lestra, from Toledo, Dan.
Dan: NJ Lestra from Toledo, cooommmme ooooon out!
(Cheering, crowd noises. Man walks from behind curtain, goes behind lectern facing Dan)
Dan: Well, NJ, what do you do for a living?
NJ: I’m in sales, Dan.
Dan: Ha, ha, aren’t we all, in one way or another? Well, NJ, you know how the game works. Now here’s the first question. If you were an aardvark, a great anteater, which would you prefer, ants or termites?
NJ: (thinks) I’d ah…um, I’d prefer termites Dan.
Dan: Are you sure that’s your answer?
NJ: Yes, termites.
Dan: Yes! Hey, sure could use one of those under my house, hey! This state has termites as big as kittens! Now, the next question, if you were a Catholic nun, would you ever wear a wedding ring? If you were a Catholic nun, would you ever wear a wedding ring? Think carefully.
(music with loud clock noise ticking over it while NJ thinks)
Dan: NJ, we need an answer…
NJ: No, I know they wear rosaries, but I don’t think they ever wear rings, and they aren’t allowed to marry, so I’d say no, Dan.
Dan: Are you sure?
NJ: Yeah. Yeah, that’s my answer. No, a nun would never wear a wedding ring.
(Buzzer goes off)
Dan: (gleefully) Wrong! Catholic nun’s wear wedding rings to symbolize their marriage to Christ! How about that folks, Jesus finally gets to get married and they’re all virgin brides, and he can’t touch ‘em. This Son of God thing may not be all it’s cracked up to be!
(Crowd laughs, groans. Drum riff)
Dan: Well, NJ, you’re one up and one down. If you get the next question right, you take home the big money, so think carefully, this is the big one.
NJ: I’m ready Dan, bring it on.
Dan: OK, NJ, here’s the question. You have 30 seconds to answer. If you had the choice, would you rather snort cocaine, or shoot meth? Snort cocaine or shoot meth, that is the question.
NJ: I, I, huh?
(clock ticking)
Dan: I need an answer NJ. This is for the top money…
NJ: (starting to sweat) I, I, uh…
Dan: Two seconds, NJ.
NJ: Ah, shoot meth.
Dan: And that’s your final answer?
NJ: (sweating) Uh, yes, uh, that’s my final answer.
Dan: Are you sure that’s your final answer?
NJ: Yeah, yeah, that’s my final answer.
(Buzzzzz!)
Dan: Wrong! The correct answer is…."I don’t use drugs, Dan."
NJ: Huh? But, but…
Dan: I believe you said you were in sales, NJ?
NJ: Yeah, but what…?
Dan: Well, NJ, here we are with our back stage camera, showing you making a deal. (Film rolls, showing NJ handing over a baggy in exchange for money) Never stop selling, huh, NJ?
NJ: But, but…
(Drum riff, while crowd cheers, boos, etc.)
Dan: (laughing a special game show host hearty laugh) I just love that hidden camera trick! Well, NJ, I’m afraid you don’t win the big prize. What do we have for a consolation prize for NJ, Joe?
Joe: I’m afraid it’s policy not to give prizes to scum sucking drug dealers, Dan.
Dan: (Heartily) HEY! I think that’s a great policy, Joe! (NJ looks stunned)
Joe: I like it, Dan.
(Crowd cheers)
Dan: Well, NJ, (he pulls out an envelope, tears it open, pulls out a strip of paper and reads) Instead the prize money goes to Mrs. P Newly, to help pay expenses for her little girl, Janey, who was crippled in a drug related shooting. (Very sincerely into the camera) Mrs. Newly, we hope this well help your poor little daughter some day walk again.
Crowd: Ahhhhhhhh (claps, cheers. Camera pulls back to contribution bowl with a Help Janey Walk sign. People begin coming up and dropping money in.)
Dan:(Back to NJ, cheerfully) Well, NJ Lestra, I bet you never guessed this would happen when you chose to be a low-life, blood sucking leech on society! That’s what happens when you play Truth or Consequences!
(NJ stares wildly around as audience starts throwing paper airplanes at him and booing)
Joe: Well, Dan, I’m afraid we are out of time.
Dan: Yes, but it was a great show, Joe.
Joe: It certainly was Dan.
(Music up. Camera pulls back from stage, showing Dan shaking hands with the audience, while a uniformed police person with a large snarling dog escorts NJ from the stage.)
Joe: (voice over music) Join us tomorrow for another exciting game of…TRUTH OR CONSEQENCES!
(fade to commercial)
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